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101 Ways to Be Annoying

  1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly
  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage"
  3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go"
  4. Learn Morse Code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip...."
  5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others
  6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen
  7. Speak only in a "robot" voice
  8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly
  9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub"
  10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies
  11. Stomp on little ketchup packets
  12. Sniffle incessantly
  13. leave your turn signal on for fifty miles
  14. Name your dog "Dog"
  15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
  16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think"
  17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training"
  18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace"
  19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot"
  20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol
  21. Practice making fax and modem noises
  22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss
  23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up
  24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance
  25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person"
  26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy"
  27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control
  28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment
  29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears
  30. Disassemble you pen and accidentally flip the ink cartridge across the room
  31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice
  32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting
  33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way"
  34. Drum on every available surface
  35. Staple papers in the middle of the page
  36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates
  37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings
  38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks
  39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places
  40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page
  41. Set alarms for random times
  42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon
  43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving
  44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise
  45. Honk and wave to strangers
  46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's (fluorescent) Orange
  47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show
  48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies
  49. Wear your pants backward
  50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register
  51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
  53. only type in lower case
  54. Don't use any punctuation
  55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets
  56. Pay for your dinner with pennies
  57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes
  58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question
  59. Write "X- Buried Treasure" in random spots on all of someone's road maps
  60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories
  61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
  62. Light road flares on a birthday cake
  63. Wander around a restaurant asking other diners for their parsley
  64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency
  65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador"
  66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks
  67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells" until physically restrained
  68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One"
  69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk
  70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read
  71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it
  72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done announce "no, wait, I messed it up" and repeat
  73. Drive half a block
  74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination
  75. Ask people what gender they are
  76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray
  77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl
  78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes"
  79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," "The Archies, " "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song
  80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet
  81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of the day
  82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September
  83. Change your name to "John Aaaasmith" for the great glory of being first
  84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
  85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed
  86. Wear a LOT of cologne
  87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing"
  88. Sing along at the opera
  89. Mow your lawn with scissors
  90. At a golf tournement, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
  91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for an "imaginary friend"
  92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme
  93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles"
  94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture"
  95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times
  96. Never make eye contact
  97. Never break eye contact
  98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn
  99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results
  100. Make appointments for the 31st of September
  101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties