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All those presidents ...

Web-Fundstück vom 21. November 2002, verbreitet per E-Mail: (Der Spiegel_online)
Das Weltgeschehen fest im Blick: Condoleezza Rice und George W. Bush

Or: Who is Hu in the World?

George B.: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza R.: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
G: Great. Lay it on me.
C: Hu is the new leader of China.
G: That's what I want to know.
C: That's what I'm telling you.
G: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
C: Yes.
G: I mean the fellow's name.
C: Hu.
G: The guy in China.
C: Hu.
G: The new leader of China.
C: Hu.
G: The Chinaman!
C: Hu is leading China.
G: Now whaddya' asking me for?
C: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
G: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
C: That's the man's name.
G: That's who's name?
C: Yes.
G: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
C: Yes, sir.
G: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
C: That's correct.
G: Then who is in China?
C: Yes, sir.
G: Yassir is in China?
C: No, sir.
G: Then who is?
C: Yes, sir.
G: Yassir?
C: No, sir.
G: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
C: Kofi?
G: No, thanks.
C: You want Kofi?
G: No.
C: You don't want Kofi.
G: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
C: Yes, sir.
G: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
C: Kofi?
G: Milk! Will you please make the call?
C: And call who?
G: Who is the guy at the U.N?
C: Hu is the guy in China.
G: Will you stay out of China?!
C: Yes, sir.
G: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
C: Kofi.
G: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
C: Rice, here.
G: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.

Clinton Speech

Clinton's Tell all Speech , but we will never hear these words from his mouth.


"Members of Congress..people of America...I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin-flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.

Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.

Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability', and almost got a one-way ticket to San Quentin for his crackerjack style of governing.

Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.

And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, Government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one-gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living, before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.


See how many of these you can answer; and NO, the correct answer is not Bill Clinton for all of them.

  1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?
  2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
  3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
  4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?
  5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
  6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband - and was branded an "adulterer" during his reelection campaign?
  7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?
  8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary
  9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet-at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
  10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in question 9)?
  11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's?
  12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")?

  1. John F. Kennedy
  2. Bill Clinton
  3. Lyndon B. Johnson
  4. Thomas Jefferson
  5. Bill Clinton
  6. Andrew Jackson
  7. George Washington
  8. Franklin D. Roosevelt
  9. Warren G. Harding
  10. John F. Kennedy
  11. Lyndon B. Johnson
  12. Lyndon B. Johnson